Monday, July 20, 2009

Pussy Galore (with Apologies to Ian Fleming)

One does not laugh at another's tribulations.

Cat pee, outside the confines of the cat box, is never funny. Within the confines of the litter box it isn't what I would call a laugh riot either.

So there is nothing funny about The Spouse discovering that the reason the cat box was so manageable, nay, so pristine, lo these past few weeks, is because Cat-O, still suffering from a Feline UTI, has been using the girls' room as his Executive Restroom.

I take responsibility for the fact that I misunderstood the vet's instructions regarding his drug dosage. She did not write anything down, but told me, my hand to God, to give him one pill, every 12 hours for five days. I did think it was odd she gave me twice the pills necessary.

I just thought she was assuming if he has trouble now, he's likely to have it again, and having a spare Rx in the house would save me having to make a phone call.

The Spouse came home late one evening this week to find the apartment smelled like the Paris Metro.

Unable to locate the exact source, but certain it came from the girls' bedroom, he attempted to prevent cats from re-entering until he could, well-rested and in the light of day, properly evaluate and deal with the situation.

This is difficult in a house with no door knob hardware. Trust me. You cannot latch any doors. So he tied this door closed.

He was awakened in the middle of the night by a regular THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

It was Cat-O, shoulder slamming the girls' bedroom door, COPS-style.

Bad boys, bad boys . . . what cha gonna do?

In desperation, The Spouse moved a large box of Christmas ornaments in front of the door in an attempt to block the space required to get a running start on a shoulder slam. Only to find Cat-O, an hour later, on top of the box, trying to undo the string that tied the door shut.

THIS IS NOT FUNNY. DO NOT LAUGH.

Okay, if you know The Spouse, the image might be a little funny.

But I would not wish the experience on my worst enemy, let alone My Beloved Spouse.

He's Good People.

My dad on hearing the story said, "That is not a cat. That is THE DEVIL."

The vet came back today, realized the Rx misunderstanding, and administered two injections and a bag of Very Special Cat Fud. STAT!

He is to eat only this, and only at prescribed times.

The cat, that is. Not The Spouse.

"I've seen worse," the vet told The Spouse. She is a pro at counseling Expat Spouses Who Languish in Moscow with the Family Pets While Their Families Frolic in Their Ancestral Villages.

The Spouse, having spent his weekend scrubbing up dried cat poos and endeavoring to be The First Man in History to Successfully Eradicate the Smell of Cat Pee, probably retired to the bottom of a vodka bottle.

I owe him big.

(Note to self: remember to initiate sex when he gets to Ancestral Village; he deserves it.)


10 comments:

Tina in CT said...

OMG! I am laughing so much. Not at Spouse but at the strong determination of Cat-O and initiating sex when Spouse arrives at Ancesteral Village.

I can't wait to meet you when I'm in Moscow as your sense of humor cracks me up.

We were at a Bastile Day Party yesterday as a close college friend of Tamara's is married to a man from France. Today was spent at the beach at the CT shore with good friends. Great weekend and no cat pee.

Tina in CT said...

P.S. My dachshund still thinks the tile bathroom floor is her place to go even after I doused the floor with a bleach wash and then pure white vinegar. The dog trainer said that the white vinegar would do the trick - WRONG!

The Expatresse said...

The Spouse said he rinsed the floor in the girls' room with water and white vinegar and "now it smells like cat piss and vinegar!"

I can't wait to meet you either.

Aunt Becky said...

I laugh because I understand.

Kugo said...

You saying it's not funny and not to laugh just makes it all that funnier. Yes, the spouse deserves some loving for this.

valentina said...

Vinegar should work to neutralize the ammonia from the cat pee but it will take repeated washings. I'd put some in a spray bottle and squirt it around the room liberally...

Poor Ron and Poor Cat-O who probably was in pain with this UTI!

xov

katbat said...

ooh this could be bad (or should I say worse?!) I had a cat who once peed on the bathroom carpet - from then on, no matter how much I washed that damn carpet, the cat would pee there every chance she got! hopefully the vinegar will work - maybe baking soda? poor spouse!

Tina in CT said...

The dog trainer told me to wash my tile bathroom floor (where my dog thinks she should "go") with straight white vinegar. Well, it didn't work as she still thinks she should "go" there. When she goes to doggie daycare tomorrow, I'll ask for more advice. Hope the white vinegar worked for your husband.

Luna said...

OMG! Hilarious!! Reminds of when our cats got into a pissing contest with some outside cats. Our repeatedly peed on the sliding glass door. Despite vinager washings and bleach (which does work, btw) washings, the stench just grew. It had all seeped between the frame and the glass. We decided to take the door apart for a proper cleaning. Only thing was we couldn't get it back together again. Husband took door to door fix-it-man. Who, upon beginning to reassmble the thing, stated somewhat perplexedly in his nasal Southern drawl: "This door shmeellls..." :)

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